I am amazed how something so beautiful can come from something so tragic

Have you ever heard someone ask the question: “Why do bad things happen to good people?”  I’m sure you have.  I know that I’ve personally asked this a multitude of times, I’ve probably asked it every time something bad has happened to me, because I like to think I’m a “good people.”  It’s a valid question though.  Why does someone who doesn’t deserve the bad have to go through hell and back and still feel as though nothing positive comes from it?  You want to know my answer? Something wonderful does come from it, Every.Single.Time.  That individual that bad things keep happening to, they need to change their perspective.  Instead of continuing to focus on the bad, they need to open their eyes and see the beautiful within the tragedy.  It has taken me almost 28 years, a lot of pain, hurt, agony, depression, loss, and probably one of the worst things in my life to ever happen for me to realize this. 

I lost my best friend two weeks ago, in a horrible way.  Watching your dog get attacked by another dog 10x their size, hearing the screams of terror and pain, and feeling completely helpless not knowing what to do is a miserable experience, and unfortunately one that I’ll never forget.  Nothing matters anymore at that point except getting your dog to safety, and getting them help.  I ran Reno to an afterhour’s clinic where they assessed the damage.  I came back a few hours later to pick him up, and was told at this point that he needed surgery.  His attack was so severe that the head of his scapula broke (it’s a bone that attaches the arm to the shoulder).  It was an unusual break, but they think fixable.  If not, we’re looking at amputation.  You know that horrible gut retching feeling you get in the pit of your stomach where you want to vomit and can’t move?  That’s what was happening to me at that exact moment.  For those of you who have dogs, or have had dogs, you can relate here – your dog is a member of your family.  And for me, having no kids, my dog was my child.  My child was in excruciating pain and all I could do was hold him.  He didn’t deserve this.  He wasn’t antagonizing this other dog.  He just came out of nowhere and swooped Reno up in his mouth and wouldn’t let go. 

Reno’s pain was so severe during the next couple of hours that I ended up taking him back to the vet so they could administer a morphine drip and monitor his pain.  At 3:45am on the first Monday morning in January of 2014 I received a call that I never thought, imagined, or wanted to get – ever.  I don’t know if it’s because I was woken up from a dead sleep, or because I thought I was still dreaming, or because I didn’t want to believe the news that I was hearing, but I made the doctor repeat herself 3 or 4 times to make sure I understood, really understood, what she was telling me.  “Reno has suddenly passed away.”  My whole world stood still.  The world kept moving, but mine was frozen in that moment, trying to wrap my head around that news.  It wasn’t until I called my mom, and verbalized those words, that it finally hit me.  This is not just my worst nightmare, this is not pretend, this is real life, and the attack that Reno had 2 days ago was so severe and intense that it killed him.  My heart sank.  I couldn’t choke back the tears anymore. 

I just laid in bed for the next couple of hours, not knowing if I could get up, or function, or take care of things that day.  It didn’t help to be mad, or blame someone.  It didn’t matter how many “what if” scenarios I came up with, the facts weren’t changing.  My dog – my best friend – was gone, taken from me in a horrible way.  My heart was heavy, my eyes were puffy, and I was completely lost.

As a couple of days passed, things didn’t seem to get easier, but I seemed to deal with reality a little bit better.  I didn’t get mad.  I didn’t get upset.  I didn’t point the finger or put the blame on anyone.  Nothing could take back the reality of the situation, so there was no point to try and think of alternative endings to it.  What happened, happened.  Regardless of how tragic, and sad, and lonely without my best friend I was, he was in a better place.  He wasn’t in pain.  He wasn’t drugged up.  He was running, so fast, with all of my other dogs that had passed.  He was making new best friends, and playing with new toys, and had an endless supply of the most delicious people food he could imagine.  Right now, my pain and suffering was no longer the focus of my attention, Reno was.  Reno was in a better place.  At that moment, as tears streamed down my face – partially because I miss him, and partially because of how happy I am that he’s okay now – I felt an overwhelming sense of peace surrounding me.  The heaviness in my heart was lifted and filled with happiness.  I was no longer so lost anymore.  I had the energy and the readiness to tackle not just that day, but also the days following.

Things started to fall into place after that.  Old friends that I’ve missed terribly came back into my life.  Everything seemed to flow a bit better.  The trees seemed to have more life.  The world seemed a little happier.  As hard as it was for me to decide in that moment to not be mad, not point the finger, not lash out in anger, and stop thinking of myself, it was worth it.  Instead of that negative energy, I was able to embrace the turn of events and find the positive in it.  That is was saved me.

The point of this is not having people feel bad for me for my loss.  It happened.  We can’t change it.  I will forever remember and love Reno, his life on earth was too short but we can’t change the past.  Instead, I want people to know that even when you think you’ve hit rock bottom.  Even when you think you can’t take another breath, you can’t take another step, you can’t do the same thing for another second – you need to check your perspective.  Bad things happen to good people so they can grow from the experience, become more appreciative, maybe even learn a lesson.  In the same way, I think good things happen to bad people for the same exact reason – so they can see the good and hopefully change their ways.  Is it unfortunate that I had to lose my dog to find peace?  Of course it is!  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Reno.   I don’t think of the accident anymore though, I think of him wagging his tail uncontrollably when I would get home from work, or nuzzling his nose into my neck to let me know how much he loved me, or looking at me with his silly face with one ear bent back, or cuddling up next to me when it was time for bed.  My life was planned out for me before I even stepped foot on this earth, so there is nothing I could have done to change the events, so I just embrace it, I find the positive, and I change my perspective.  That alone will change your life.

How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk Part 1

"....many women who had a prolonged period of sexual activity in multiple failed relationships and breakups complained of feeling angry, burned, and betrayed.  As a result, there was a 'cumulative negative impact' on their future relationships, and a 'global mistrust and antagonism' toward men, and an increased neediness that they brought to the next relationship."

So, if I'm reading this right, it's basically saying that not only am I jaded, hurt, broken, and have trust issues but I'm also angry, burned, and betrayed?  And I have a global mistrust and antagonism towards men and increased neediness.  This seems like a very bad downward spiral.  No wonder I'm single!  Thank you captain obvious!

"Good-hearted people, by the way, have the greatest risk for staying in a relationship with a jerk, because good-hearted people so quickly forgive, overlook problems, minimize shortcomings, and give second chances (and third, and fourth, etc).  'Give 'em the benefit of the doubt,' you think, 'everyone makes mistakes.'"

"Good people often give too much, accept too much, and overlook too much in a relationship.  They believe people can change and that everyone usually deserves second and even third chances.  As a result, good people often stay in a relationship too long, becoming more and more damaged while never seeing any genuine change in their partner."

I just keep learning more and more!  Nice guys finish last my ass.  Nice, understanding, caring, GOOD-HEARTED girls finish last.  SMH.  I am damaged because I am a good-hearted person.  I know I put on a tough facade, but those of you who know me know that I'm truly a genuine person.  We can thank all the amazing men that have come in and out of my life for my outward bitchiness.  It's definitely a tough wall to break, but very much worth it if you stick around long enough to break it. Problem is, no one is up for the challenge.

"...It will be difficult for someone to be in a relationship with you if are overly defensive...."  Man, I don't need therapy anymore, I just need to read this book a couple times through and I'll understand everything that's wrong with me and why I am not in a relationship.  Everyone says that it's good to take a break and be single for awhile before jumping into something else.  Well I have three things to say to those people: 1)You're IN a relationship, so it's easy for you to say.  2)It's a been a year and a half now - how much time do you think is sufficient enough before moving on?  And 3)Who the hell said I was looking for a relationship!?  Not to be rude, I know they are just looking out for my best interest, but seriously c'mon.  When you're in a relationship, and you have someone to talk to about your day, and comfort you when you've had a rough time, cry on your partner's shoulder just because, and cuddle after a long day.... You don't know what it's like to be on the outside looking in, I know I didn't for the longest time, until I was unwantingly back there.

Just remember when you were single.  And your friend who was in a relationship told you that you didn't need anyone, you're fine by yourself.  Just remember how bad you wanted to punch that person in the face or stab them in the jugular.  Okay, that last one was a little brutal, but you get the picture.  Having that person, that someone that you can just unwind to - it's something no one should take for granted.

I bought this book for a class that I was going to be taking this semester before I realized I would be dropping all of my classes.  Not sure if I'll have the opportunity to take the class again, I was bored, the book was staring me in the face, and I didn't want to waste the money by buying a book and just having it sit on my shelf.  So I picked it up and started reading.  Two days and seven chapters later, here I am.  This book is filled with good shit.  Eye-opening shit.  I really encourage anyone and everyone to read this.  It's for those of us that are single, to those of you in a relationship, to my married friends.  Everyone can take SOMEthing from this book, promise.

A little humor on a bad day....

Dating seems to be the topic that people want to hear about.   I have a friend who told me I should start a "dating chronicles" blog but I never did.  I have so many stories, from so many guys, I can't even keep them straight.  I have kind of given up on dating, or at least the online dating.  I want to find a man not online, cause you can be whoever you want online and that's not working for me.

So, just for shits, here are some of my amazing dating stories.....

I'm on my way to meet a guy at a park for some casual conversation.  First meet.  He runs out of gas on the way and asks me to get him gas and meet him on Bangerter.  Um, no.  I made him walk to the gas station, so I could scope him out before he got in my car.  He was decent, and didn't seem like a rapist, so I took him back to his car to fill up and went to the park with him.  We ended up going on a second date (huge mistake).  When it was time for the check, dude says "two checks please!"  Let me just point out that we went to Buffalo Wild Wings, on boneless Thursday, I got 8 boneless wings.  My meal wasn't even $6!  A few weeks after I had the "it's just not going to work, we're looking for two completely different things" chat he messages me online and says that he wants to go to BWW, just as friends of course.  I reply with "what would be the difference between this time and last time?  I would pay for myself either way."  Bam!  That's a point on the board for Katie!!

This guy and I start talking, actually having a normal conversation.  Guy actually acts interested, like he wants to get to know me.  Of course, sex gets brought up.  I told him that I don't have sex with people on the first meet and I like to get to know people.  He says okay and continues chatting.  He then asks me to come out to see him that night and the next night (he lives in Ogden, mind you).  I say that I'm busy, it's a bad week, etc.... and "I'm not having sex with you."  He tells me I'm stubborn, I say I know, and that's that.  We continue chatting (if I don't respond within 30 minutes I get a "hello" or "??" text.... needy much?).  He tries to get me to come up again, and I tell him I'm busy.  He gets mad.  I tell him that he gets angry that I'm stubborn but it's because he doesn't like my answers.  He replies with "then change your answers."  Ha!  Really!?  I give the whole speal that I have a life, that doesn't revolve around him, etc and he responds with "peace bitch."  Really dude?  Thank you for helping me realize you're a waste of my time before actually wasting my time.

**all time favorite**  I've been chatting with this guy for a couple of weeks.  He lives in St. George and travels up to SLC about once or twice a month.  We decide to go get dinner.  I'm eating a turkey club sandwich and drinking a water.  Dude says to me, "Well, my ex is skinnier than you, but you're pretty, so you've got that going for you."  I am at a loss for words, loss.  I have NO idea what to say, bro caught me completely off guard.  He then proceeds to say, "I think you've had enough to eat, are you going to finish that?"  I then shoved my turkey club in my mouth in the most disgusting way imaginable, even though I was no longer hungry at this point.  He walks me out to my car and asks me if I plan on coming back to his hotel with him..... Really?  What gave it away that I wanted to have sex with you AFTER you called me fat.  Am I that transparent!?

I didn't actually meet this guy, but I totally got "Catfished."  (if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a show on MTV, google it.).  Chatting with this handsome boy, nbd.  He wants to meet.  Doesn't give me his phone#, says he can't text on his work phone, instead he gives me an email address.  He sends me a picture and dude looks nothing like he does on his profile.  I'm showing my friend at work his picture, telling her that we're hanging out on Wednesday and I don't know what to think cause the pictures don't match up.  She asks for his name, we'll call him Joe.  She swears up and down that his name is Kevin.  She leaves and comes back and shows me this picture of this guy on FB named Kevin.  Joe is stealing dude's facebook pics and pretending they are his own!  I called "Joe" out on this and he just totally blew it off, "we share this account" blah blah blah.  Well funny story.  Kevin is GAY.  I have 3 co-workers that can attest to this, really bro?  Do your research before you steal people's pics.

My favorites are the dudes who talk to you for 3 seconds and then ask you to send them a picture.  Do the 8 pictures on my profile not work for you?  Oh wait, you're looking for a topless picture of some sort?  That's what porn sites are for, or myspace, they're free and you don't have to ask for them.

Don't call me "hun" or "babe" or "sweetheart" 10 seconds into our first conversation.  I'm not going to like you more, I'm just going to be more annoyed with you.  My mistake is hanging out with those dudes.  Cause when they say "I just wanna cuddle hun" they mean "I want to cuddle with my clothes off and my dick inside you."  We are NOT on the same page, and that just makes things awkward.

If I tell you before we meet that I'm NOT going to have sex with you, I don't care how many drinks you try to put in me we are still NOT going to have sex.  I will say no, I will push your hand away, I will then resort in telling you I'm on my period (even when I'm not) just so you get the picture.  And if you STILL try at that point.... well, I feel sorry for you.

I swear that men are like parking spots.  All the good ones are taken, and the ones that are left are all handicapped.  Ugh.

I just want to find a romantic, affectionate man.  Someone who sends me flowers just because they're thinking of me.  Makes me breakfast in bed.  Texts me just to say "hi."  Wants to hold my hand or have their hand around me when we're together.  A man who calls me "beautiful" and "gorgeous" instead of "sexy" or "hot."  They can have a conversation with me and look me in the eye, not at my chest.  Someone to tell me about their day, and wants to hear about mine.... and actually listens.  Does this guy exist?  Am I asking for too much?  Dating in Utah tells me that I am.  I haven't met one guy with any one of these qualities, much less one guy with all of them.

i [[think]] i've lost my muchness

i used to be [[much]] more muchier....


as tears fill in my eyes {for no real reason at all}, i am [[for once]] at a loss for words.  Life is just {alkdjfasdfjas;dlfasdf;ldsfsadf} right now; and if anyone knows what this -----> {alkdjfasdfjas;dlfasdf;ldsfsadf} means, please let me know because I've been searching and searching and [[searching]] and i just can't figure it out.  It's not just {one} thing that's wrong, and it's not {everything}, but I don't know {what} [[thing]] it is.  If anyone is still following me, you've {understood} more than i have.
i have come to find that life is all about {pretending}.  {pretend} to happy.  {pretend} to be okay.  {pretend} that you like it.  {pretend}. {pretend}. {pretend}.  i [[personally]] am sick of pretending.  it's just never felt so.... [[wrong]].  so, how do i bring back my {muchness}?